I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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