woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i've created a new STD.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
