my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
