Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
then he tried to convert me to islam
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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