Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
