I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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