And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
