you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
