You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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