the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
