There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
