she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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