WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
