i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
