I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
