TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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