The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The best revenge is premature balding
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
