can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
