im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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