rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
