A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
