i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
