Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
