you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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