Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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