the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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