i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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