Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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