worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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