I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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