Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
