I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
