yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
