Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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