Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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