My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
