Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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