The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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