So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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