Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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