I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
