I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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