It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
