News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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