In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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