She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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