my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
