Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
