Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
