I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
