weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
