I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
